Better Off
by Rogue Darth Skywalker
Summary: Anakin reflects on his life after raising the twins alone for sixteen years.


"Try as much as you like, brother. You'll never beat me!" Leia stood atop one of the massive boulders that perimeters the sparring grounds in the temple.

Below her, Luke held his lightsaber up, ready for her attack should she chose to strike. "Your overconfidence is a weakness, Leia," he warned. She gave an unworried shrug and fortunately brought her own blade up just in time to parry her brother as he made his move. The two of them smiled as they fought. Spinning and leaping across the ring, using the Force to try and gain the upper hand in the mock fight.

At the top of the steps that led to the temple their father, Jedi Master Anakin Skywalker stood. With a keen military eye, he watched as they sparred, taking note of every feint, every opening, every strike, and every footfall. Obi-Wan and Ashoka had done a good job training them. They had their flaws and they still had some things to learn when it came to patience and humility, but those were things that would come to them in time. He knew it was only a matter of time before they were to be knighted. Luke somehow managed to disarm his sister, throwing her off balance but only for a moment as she rolled out of the way of his blade and used to Force to throw rocks at him before summoning her weapon back to her hand and meeting her brother blade to blade once again. Padme would have been proud. Proud to see how strong they were. Proud to see how smart and kind and selfless they were. His eyes looked up to the sky at the thought of his wife, his angel, whispering a silent pled, begging the Force or whatever god was up there to wake him. Tell him that these past sixteen years were just a dream, that he would wake up in a bed beside his wife and his twins just down the hall in their own room. He had asked this many times and never once was his wish granted.

Padme's death had shaken him to his very core. Mere moments after their daughter came screaming into the world, something went wrong. He didn't know what. The doctors had explained it to him but the doctor's voice dulled in his mind after he declared his wife dead. Anakin had been lost. His twins cried for their mother and he was at a loss for how to calm them. He didn't know what to do. He had been away at the war during most of the pregnancy and had only known he was to be a father for a few weeks. He wasn't ready. Padme had been the one to prepare everything. She had bought the clothes, the crib, bassinet, carriers, swaddles... all he had done was smile and dream of what parenthood would be like for them. Never did he think what he would do should she die. This wasn't part of the plan. And Anakin did not know how to handle it.

They had stayed in the hospital for days after her death. The doctors got the babies adjusted to formula and made sure they were both healthy. He had not held his children since they had been born. He could not bring himself to. By the time he was allowed to take them home, Padme's family had arrived on Coruscant. They shared in his grief but unlike him, they were able to put it aside long enough to do what the babies needed. When they asked what his plans were, he didn't know and decided that it would be best to go back to a Naboo with them.

Being a father was nothing like he thought it would be. It was hard, terrifying, frustrating, and, without Padme, depressing. He eventually brought himself to hold his twins. After moving to Naboo, Leia developed the habit of crying all through the night. Her grandparents tried and tried to calm the child but it was a struggle every time. And then one night, Anakin awoke to his daughter crying so badly and his in-laws whispering harshly at one another that he finally brought himself to go to her. He held his arms out to take the baby and the moment she was out of her grandmother's arms, and in her father's, she stopped. She looked up at him and gurgled before closing her eyes and falling asleep nestled safely in her father's arms.

Not long after the twin's first birthday, he finally snapped. Leia was growing to look so much like her mother and Luke had her temperament. He tried to be a good father. More often than not, he found himself stumbling over his own feet to do so. Everything he did felt wrong and second guessed everything. He tried to be happy for his children. Tried to act like everything was how it should be. But it wasn't. And he never was good at hiding his feelings. Every day there was something to remind him of Padme. Every holo and every milestone was one without Padme and little by little he had felt his heart break a little more every day he was without her. He couldn't do it. He couldn't be a father. Not without her. He had fought in the war, faced Sith Lords, nearly died and those were all preferable to the pain of living without Padme. And so, the week after their first birthday, he packed his meager belongings, leaving two small wrapped gifts on the nightstand by the twin's cribs, each with one of his children's names and left. Their grandparents would raise them. He knew his children would be safe. He knew they would be cared for. He knew they were better off without him.

Anakin had made it about a block before he was stopped in the street by Sola. Somehow she knew his plans. And she looked at him as though he were the most vile person in the galaxy. There was no raised voice or accusation when she spoke. She simply shook her head and told him that he was right. Luke and Leia would be fine. But she asked when the day came that they asked about him, how was she to explain to them that their father left them? He didn't have an answer and as she turned to leave, he turned back. He went back to his twins.

It was now fifteen years since that day. His children were nearly grown. They were happy and well on their way to being Jedi. Anakin watched them spar a moment longer before turning to head back through the temple to get to the hanger where his speeder was parked. The twins would come home sometime after dinner. Luke had some things he had to do in the archives and Leia and Ahsoka had to start planning for their mission to Malastaire. Anakin had no such commitments. He returned to the apartment he lived in with his children, his belt feeling significantly lighter without the weight of a lightsaber hanging from it anymore. He had left it on his seat in the council chambers. Anakin retreated into his bedroom and pulled out a duffle bag and began to pack.

His chest ached at the thought of leaving. But he knew it was time. Since they had become Padawans, he didn't see them as often as he used to. They went on missions more often now, or did things with friends, leaving him alone with his thoughts which always went back to Padme. His memory of her had not faded. He could still remember her face, the smile she reserved only for him, they way her nose crinkled when she laughed. He remembered her favorite flowers, her favorite holo drama, her favorite food. He remembered every moment of their short time together and it hurt more than anything.

Anakin sealed the bag shut and returned to the drawers. Sifting through the few items that remained, he pulled out two small dusty packages. The same ones he had planned to leave fifteen years ago. He remembered the day he found those particular items hidden among Padme's most prized possessions. For Leia, he left the japor snippet he had carved for his wife nearly a lifetime ago. For Luke, his lightsaber. The one he used during the Clone Wars and had gifted to her, symbolizing her ownership of his life. His fingers traced over the edge of the wrappings before slinging his duffle over his shoulder and leaving the apartment for the last time, placing the gifts on the kitchen table before walking out the door.

He didn't expect everyone to understand. His reasons were complicated and entirely his but he hoped his twins would at least understand. He hoped his departure would not make his children resent him. Leia might for a time, she was so much like him it was scary. But in time he hoped she would one day understand. This wasn't some random spur of the moment choice. It was something he had been weighing for years. He was glad he waited this long. Glad he had been a part of his children's lives, glad he had told them about their mother and the love they shared, he was glad he had been able to watch them grow into the incredible people they were. But it was time. He had lived sixteen years without the only woman he would ever love. Every day was a struggle. Every day he mourned. Every day he was haunted by her memory and it killed him a little every time. It was time for him to go. This wasn't going to be the last time he would see his children. He knew he would see them again someday. But what excited him most, was that in the next few hours or so, he would finally see his wife again, his angel. And the thought of seeing her again brought a smile to his face.

END

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 **Well, this took an unexpected turn... But I suppose that's what I get for writing at 3AM.**


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